Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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