I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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