The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
