I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
