Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
