Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
