My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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