Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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