U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
