dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
