My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
