there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I think your dad took our porno
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
