While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Randomize
