God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
