So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
