I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
