i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
