We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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