Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
