he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
