Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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