My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
