I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize