your thong is hanging out like whoa
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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