she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
My life is pants optional.
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