we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
