We named our party play list daddy issues
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
smell my finger.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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