He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
