i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
