there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I want to walk on stilts...naked
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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