My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize