I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
