I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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