Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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