Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize