WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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