If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
