Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
