barbara walters just said penis...
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
