I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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