Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
