Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
