Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
