I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Randomize
