I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize