the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
