I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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