is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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