Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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