When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
