Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
