i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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