Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
