I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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