So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
