Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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