Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
