Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
