She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Randomize
