made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
